So, the start of the next academic year is almost approaching and across the internet blogs and website are starting to run those 'what to take to university' features.

But really, it's not rocket science - take storage boxes, decent food while you can still get your parents to pay for it, and alcohol. Plus condoms, obviously, and lube - lube makes drunken sex better for her and him. That, and those sticky backed hook things. Sticky backed hooks are essential. You can never have enough hooks to hang things from - hanging clothes saves folding clothes which saves time, and time is money. But really, that's all besides the point, because that just isn't what people care about.

What every bright eyed little Fresher (or kid starting college, for my perverts across the pond) is really interested in is not the fact that pasta sauce on toast makes a surprisingly decent snack (when inebriated), nor that to protect fermented beverages from thievery you can chill drinks on windowsills during the winter - it's how to get what they really came to uni/college for*.

The pursuit of education? The widening of social and academic horizons? The opportunity to make the most of a huge range of extra-curricular activities offered and to represent your institution in nationwide events?

Of course not, it's easy casual sex!**

I'm writing this post well aware of the risk that I will end up sounding like one of those 'players' who write empirical lists of how to get laid through lifestyle choices - but the fact is I have a valuable piece of knowledge, one that I am morally obliged to pass on to the wider world, so that generation upon generation of young men and women can bask in the glorious bounties available to those that are privy to this gem wrought from experience.

You see, good looks, natural attraction and confidence - these mean nothing - All you need is downloaded TV, a heavy duvet and a mattress topper.**

Intrigued? Click here to read the rest of this revelation.Ok, so all that nonsense about a gem that I had to share was complete hyperbole, my contribution to the 'what to take to university' camp is hardly ground breaking either - I'm sure many, many other people have had similar thoughts. The tip is a good one though, and it definitely worked for or at least helped me in my first year of uni.

A mattress topper is just like the inside of a light summer duvet and you attach it to the top of your mattress with straps at each corner. I still feel a bit dirty writing this, as if I'm suggesting that having a decent bed is going to make you Casanova, but what this does is just make your bed really, really, comfy. So much softer and nicer than it would be otherwise - when you lie down you sort of sink into it a little, which feels great. It's got the added bonus of protecting you from the various bodily fluids of everyone else who's lived in your room before you, which at uni can only be a good thing.

The heavy duvet doesn't just make your bed warmer (hotter bed = less clothing = hotter atmosphere) but it means anyone under your duvet has a lovely warm covering that drapes around them and feels comforting and snug. I love this myself, but after a while it dawned on me that other people did too. I knew one girl who came to my room a few times where we'd spoon and hands would wander (although no sex, but that's probably a good thing) on the pretence that my bed was so much better than hers, and my next door neighbour Hurricane Beccy would often wander in and help herself to my bed, something I was entirely happy with given her irresistible olive skinned body and the wild, thrashing ride that having sex with her was.

Another young lady who falls into the no-sex-but-everything-else camp, J, approved of my bed too - to the point that after one drunken night she fell asleep in it and refused to move. Girls in your bed good, unconscious ones not, but still it does prove my point. I'd just make it clear that the aforementioned no-sex-but-everything-else did take place on a different night where she was very much awake but still very appreciative of my bed (not to mention other things - I love impressed sounding ooohs and ahhs that are followed by compliments!).

The other element of my bed related tips is having lots of DVDs, TV or downloaded stuff on your laptop to watch (again, here comes the dirty feeling that I shouldn't be writing that sex can almost be obtained through everyday objects). Now, I don't know what it's like abroad or at other British universities, but at mine in the first year not many people had TVs. TV actually became a bit of a rarity, so I downloaded loads of TV episodes and would watch them on my laptop. When I found out that J liked watching lots of the same things I'd start inviting her over to watch some with me - and here's where the opulent bed comes in.

You see, uni rooms aren't very big, and mine didn't come with a comfy non-desk chair or a futon or anything, so to watch anything comfortably the bed was the only option. Oh so unfortunately, uni bed's aren't that big either - so for two people to watch anything comfortably while reclining spooning is the only option. Dreadful, isn't it.

So on the completely innocent pretence of enjoying a shared televisual interest you are now spooning with a girl in a bed that she isn't going to want to leave (as long as you remember to wash your sheets - don't be lazy, they will start to smell and the month's worth of stains will make her think you're some sort of wank-hermit.) It's all very convenient isn't it. If she's happy being under your covers with you so close to her then that's already a good sign, and I'm sure it won't take long for the two of you to get closer and closer and then for a hand to be placed on her hip (my excuse is that I liked having my arms stretched, and to be fair it isn't very comfortable lying with them at your side), once you're hand is on her hip then anywhere lower or higher is tantalisingly close, and I'm sure she'll realise that too. The tension will build up and up - then be bold and make a move, slipping your fingertips ever so slightly but very suggestively under the waistband of her jeans, or maybe roving over the bare skin of her back and stomach...

So to recap, have a comfy bed, and invite people over to watch TV/movies. At the very least how she behaves, whether she agrees to get under the covers/lie next to you etc, is a litmus test for what chances there are of anything else happening, and at the luckiest the spooning will lead to much more and you'll end up having to wash those sheets even sooner than you expected!

Update: I've written another What to Take to University (to Get Laid at University) post here.

*I realise this isn't really why people go to university, but come on, it's one of the benefits! My tongue has been placed firmly in my cheek for the duration of this article. Although I do wish it was elsewhere...
** Come on, these are obviously hugely important, no mattress can make up for a lack of these - although shots probably can.